Well... Here it is, folks- another fellow soul's lament harping on the age old question:
Am I enough?
I have insufficiencies. I am inconsistent, broken, imperfect, insecure, and *insert any and all synonyms for the above adjectives here* in countless and numerous ways. I'm a comparer; I yearn for constant affirmation, and there's a part of me, even on my best days, that never ceases seeking completion. In other words, I spend an embarrassing amount of time pining over how I can look better, sound better, live better, do better, be better, but where does all of that searching actually get me? To a place where I feel more depressed, more anxious, and more insufficient than ever before. Anxiety is a fickle thing. Have you ever been so preoccupied about how you'd like a situation to play out, or what you want your future to look like, or how you want to live your life that it drives you to the point of anxiety? Stacking goals and dreams, one on top of the other, until they're piled so high and so tightly that you can't even distinguish one from another anymore? And then one day, you open your eyes and do nothing but stare at the pile of everything you've ever wanted out of life because you don't even know where to start? All of a sudden, that once pile of dreams has now become a pile of fears and untouchables. Instead of focusing on improving your strengths, your focus is on your short-comings, inconsistencies, areas of lacking. You feel incomplete, and until you can find something that satisfies that "complete-ness," you feel lost. Unmotivated and disheartened. I've looked for completion in so many things - hobbies, habits, career trajectories, etc. I've looked for completion in people (which, again, goes along with the whole affirmation thing). I've read book after book, article after article, and listened to pep talk after pep talk, all promising easy-to-follow, step-by-step guides to self-love. And like all new hobbies, habits, relationships, and self-help books, the effects are only temporary; growth curves eventually plateau, routines get boring, the honeymoon phase ends, and we get lazy. This is why we're told time and time again that you can only lead a horse to water.
Humans are like rubber bands. You read a few self-help books, see progress for a week or two, but always find yourself snapping back to square one. To compensate you'll read a few more self-help books, listen to more TED talks, stretching farther and farther every time until your entire foundation can't take it anymore and it eventually snaps. Ain't that the human condition.
Maybe I can't speak for everyone - in fact, I most definitely cannot - but I can speak for myself, and I know that I can't be alone in feeling this way. So, if by some miracle you're reading this and what I'm describing is y-o-u, I just want you to know that I feel you, bro. I get you, I understand you, I hear your heart and I feel your struggle. I feel incomplete, insufficient, "not enough" every day of my life. Some days more than others, but the feeling's always there.
But what I've been failing to realize is that finding a sense of sufficiency goes so much deeper than things and people. This leads me into my big revelation of the week which is that the whole idea around seeking "completion," what it really boils down to is purpose. And for me, my "purpose" is extraneously hard to distinguish without Jesus.
I personally believe that, for me, there is no worldly thing that will ever make me feel truly complete. The longer I live the more I realize this. The grass will always be greener. The more I accomplish, the more I want. What happens after I get married, land my dream job, have kids, and cross every last item on my bucket list? What's next? Will I be happy? Will I feel fulfilled? Will I feel "enough"? Well, here's the cold, hard truth of the rest of my life: If I don't feel that way now - considering everything that I am so fortunate to be blessed with and so unworthy to call mine - odds are, I won't feel any different then. No worldly thing will ever make me feel complete. Not a job, not a person, not even myself. Woah, what? Yeah. I can't even complete myself. Why? Because all these things are imperfect. They're not steadfast. By definition, imperfect literally means "lacking completeness." I am imperfect because I lack completeness. Therefore, for me, the only being that harnesses the ability to ever, ever complete me is God. Because He IS perfect. He is consistent, and whole, and secure, and sufficient. His love, His grace, His complete-ness is more powerful and fulfilling than anything in the known cosmos. He is unwavering, and steady, and everything I am not. Because of this, the only answer to my insufficiency is Him. He is enough.
So instead of pursuing things and people and ideas - instead of living for that promotion, wedding night, paycheck, early retirement, etc. - I believe that my "purpose" is to pursue Jesus; to live out my calling in service to Him. And that doesn't mean going to church 5 times a week, giving all my money to charity, and memorizing every verse in the bible (while all those things are great and admirable). I can still dream about and work towards getting married, landing my dream job, having a family, and everything else I believe I was set on this earth to do, so long as my focus stays hooked on God. I consistently find that the more I make an effort to lean into Him, the more sufficient I feel. His "enough-ness" covers my lack of.
Again, this is a me thing. And maybe it's a you thing, but maybe it's totally not. Regardless of your beliefs, background, or situation, my hope is that the biggest idea you take away from this collection of fragmented word vomit and run-on sentences is the idea of living purposefully. Think beyond your comfort desires. What is it that lights your heart on fire? What is it that makes you feel truly and utterly complete? It could be anything: a passion, a mission, God... Whatever it is, go and do that. And don't just go through the motions, but completely surrender yourself to whatever it is. I assure you, it'll make all the difference.
Alright, it's 1:30 AM, and I have to get up in 3.5 hours. That's all I've got for now. Three cheers for late-night thinking time.
Bear hugs all around,
J
