Never mind your baggy eyes-- they make you look wiser. Forget about your greasy, going-on-day-four-of-no-showering hair; tousled bed heads are all the rage. Don't worry about the three weeks of laundry piling up in the corner; you're learning to be resourceful. And tbh, you've been wanting to experiment with a capsule wardrobe for months now anyway. 

Your passenger-side blinker replacement, unpaid toll bills, and un-filed paperwork can - in fact - wait another week because honey bee, you're busy chasing your dreams. You're a bit preoccupied pursuing what lights your heart on fire and all the things that make your brain go "whirr!" first thing in the morning. I get you! There are SO many things. ALL the things. So much learn, see, do. It's a busy season for a busy bee and you don't want to get left in the dust without trying everything along the way.

But sweet honey bee, remember to give your wings a break; buzzing around grows exhausting when you don't take time to land. You know it's time for a breather when you dread every time someone asks you what you do. Explaining to others you're taking a full course load, working two jobs, volunteering at a few non profits, and authoring a book can make even you confused after a while. Maybe your Google calendar is an eyesore. Maybe you're getting anxious because you once again overestimated the amount of time you had to dedicate to self-care. Maybe the hour that you blocked out for "me time" turned into catching up on freelance projects and emails, and your efforts to sleep, exercise, stay hydrated, call Mom back, and pee when you need to were compromised by all that dream chasing. 

Here's the thing, sweet bee: chasing after your dreams all these years built up your endurance. Even if you were to take a break, you'd still be right on those dreamy tails. Perhaps you'd be even stronger and faster than ever before.

Currently cozied up in my little sister's bed and listening to the all-too familiar sound of raindrops on the windowsill. It would seem my brother and I accidentally brought the Seattle gloom back home with us. Ah well. I don't think our lawn is complaining!

Feeling a very poignant mixture of nostalgia, melancholy, and sweet relief as 2016 finally draws to a close. Maybe it's the gloom, maybe it's the aftermath of getting a lil' teary while reading a sweet email from mi madre, or maybe it's finally sitting with the weight of this past year -- regardless, ya gurl is feelin' v dramatic !! *cue jazz hands* Sometimes my brain gets into these funky jives where it just wants to do it's own thing. This comes in handy during long train rides through the Scottish highlands (10/10 would recommend btw), but can be a bit of a downer in everyday life when you actually have to be a person. Today, I'm particularly reflective on the DOOZY that was/is 2016. Though there's been lots to learn from, there is even more to be grateful for and so many better things to come. Even amidst the gloom, I am trying with all my might to rejoice!

Here are a few nuggets I've collected throughout the course of the year that will (hopefully) prove valuable in good ol' 2017:

1. Every laugh and lesson from Unbreakable Kimmy Shmidt

The title and inspo behind this post is comin' atcha from this true manifestation of artistic genius. T-God for catchy theme songs and Tina Fey's writing!

2. So you want to write a children's book?

Lol @ the brief period of time I thought it would be easy peasy to write a Children's book in two weeks! Though I somehow managed to get a working manuscript together in about a month and a half, it was quite a rollercoaster indeed. I brilliantly took it upon myself to write the book in verse (strike one). Additionally, editing a story targeted towards 3-8 year olds without any sort of visual aid was, at times, as difficult as it was boring. I also rediscovered the magic of writing on airplanes; the lack of wifi does wonders to prevent distraction!

3. Living in Another Country

Lots of bucket list items crossed off the list after 2 measly months abroad! There are tons of great travel stories out there, so I'll spare you my details by keeping it simple: It was very peaceful and full and a really cool way of getting closer to Jesus.

4. "It's Not Your Job"

I suppose this is a nice segue into my next point, so I'll use it as a preface. A big lesson I've learned involves accepting the fact that some things aren't my job. There are problems (and/or people) I can't solve, and that's okay. It's a hard, chewy lesson, but I think it was an important one for me to continue working through.

5. The Not-So-Graceful-But-Kinda-Graceful Art of Letting Go

This one's a big. It pertains to anything from relationships, to academics, to career trajectories, to the general state of your emotional health, and involves a whole slew of subcategories like Obedience, Surrender, embracing change, and what do to when reality doesn't align with your expectations. I've learned (and re-learned) that letting go means actively making the choice to stop seeking the "why." It means truly resting and giving up any sense of control or entitlement to knowledge or closure. It means closing your eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and taking on an objective view of all the thoughts and emotions swirling around in your mind. It means trusting, really really reaaaally trusting, that everything will find a way to work itself out- however long and loopy the journey may be.

For me in particular, letting go involves becoming more intentional about pursuing Jesus. Learning how to be present, rest in His peace, and act on the things He puts in my life in the moment. I get into the habit of wanting to solidify every single detail of the next 10, 20, 30 years. I paint elaborate pictures about what the future is going to look like, what I'll be doing, who's going to be there, but the fact of the matter is: I'll never know for sure. And I realize the more I try to idealize and plan out what's to come, the more disappointed I am when it doesn't turn out as such. It sounds elementary, but perhaps it's why we're taught so early on- because sitting still and letting go will always be lifelong lessons.

Alright, folks- I think that's all I've got for now. If you've somehow made it to the end of this post thank you many many muches for sticking with me! I appreciate it, and would give you a big bear hug if I had the chance!

If you're in the mood for a spontaneous 30 second dance party, feel free to get those legs movin to the Unbreakable theme song. (Note: I do not claim responsibility for getting it stuck in your head the next 3 days.) While you're groovin' be sure to remember how loved & cherished & strong you are!

Fist bump!!,
J

So I'm just going to take a sec and appreciate Madre Padre (^^^LOOK how cute she is) because she's the best, most incredible super hero rock star unicorn mom that ever graced this planet. If there was an advisory board of directors in Heaven, I am very certain Jesus would personally recruit her, as that's just how awesome He made her.

The other day, after what I thought was possibly one of the worst days of my life, ending what I also thought to be one of the longest weeks of my life (classic melodrama), I went home to sulk. It was raining. I trudged into our house dripping wet, dropped my backpack on the floor, wrestled with my soaked windbreaker, and surrendered myself to the comfort of my bed. It's interesting how things out of your control - like rain and traffic and being absurdly late to meetings - can make you want to quit life and start over the next day. Anyway, I knew I shouldn't sulk for too long (otherwise risk overthinking my way into oblivion), so I called my best friend. She, like my mom, is one of the greatest humans ever, but in a different way. She shows compassion the same way I do. It's a rub your back, let you cry kind of love. Of course, her phone went to voicemail. I tried texting a few other friends to see what they were up to, but everyone was MIA going about their Friday lives. Then I remembered my mom and brother had just wrapped up a college visit, so I called my mom to see how it went. 

The minute she heard my voice, she knew something was funky. Classic mom senses. All she needed to do was ask "What's up?" before I launched into a teary play by play of a long and especially frustrating day. As I was getting to the pinnacle of my teary tale, she stopped me mid-sentence and said: "I'm failing to see the problem here."
"Mom-"
"Are you still breathing?"
"... Yes."
"Are you still making progress?"
"... Yes."
"Is the sun going to rise tomorrow?"
"Well, it's Seattle so you never know-"
"Are you overthinking this?"
(smaller) "...Yes."
"So stop."

Aaaannnnd, we're back.

Took a ride on the lull of life for a while, and inspiration was mighty hard to come by. Fortunately, I've been having (too many) brain nuggets bouncing off the walls of my cranium as of late, all looking for a means of escape. These nugz brought me back here: typing words on a page that may never be read. That's okay though. This blog is meant to be another way to remember and reflect, and right now, I've got a whole lotta' reflecting to do.

I just finished Amy Poehler's book, Yes Please. For a while, I put off reading the last chapter because I didn't want it to end. I love the way she told her story. It was vulnerable and messy and completely accessible. I felt like I was getting life lesson after life lesson from my wise, long lost mama bear who knows a thing or two about "the biz." Why am I writing about this? Well, I have a couple reasons: 1. I needed a transition, and 2. this book really got my noggin crankin'. Amy has an entire chapter devoted to why she named the book "Yes Please." To summarize, the phrase is both a response and a request. "Yes" represents opportunity and "please" is a sign of both community and respect. It's a power phrase, and it got me thinking about how I use those two words in my own life.

Saying "Please" has always been a given. As Amy put it, "I like it when [my kids] say 'Yes please' because most people are rude and nice manners are the secret keys to the universe." Bingo. But what about the "Yes"?

I say "Yes" a lot. Part of it stems from my upbringing; I was raised to be thankful for and take advantage of every opportunity that came my way (great philosophy, but if you're not careful, it can lead to a tendency to people please). The other part stems from a theatre background. Improv scares the living daylights out of me, but it's a paramount tool for all actors. It teaches you how to react truthfully, lean into your scene partner, and be a listener. Now that I think of it, Improv could be great couples therapy. (*Note: If anyone wishes to test this theory, updates would be much appreciated. Thanks much.) It also teaches you how to say "Yes, And." I am not an expert on improv by any means, nor am I good at it for that matter, but if you were to ever take an improv class, odds are one of the first lessons you'd learn is how to say "Yes, And." A scene gets boring the minute a performer says "No." Saying "No" onstage is essentially like committing murder. You are actively making the decision to stop listening, do your own thing, and completely disregard everything the other person is giving you. That's where "Yes, And..." comes in. You need to say "Yes" to keep the scene alive, and you need to say "And..." to move it forward.

There you have it, folks! A less-than satisfactory improv lesson from yours truly. Just kidding. I had a point. My point to all this hubbub is that my life has been chalked full of "Yes's." Again, not always a bad thing, but like many people, it's definitely conditioned me to allow my needs take a back seat. I have a hard time asking for what I want in the same way that I have a hard time saying what I need. I find myself doing things for the sake of doing them. I often mix up a sense of obligation for loving people. All this eventually leading to yucky guck like resentment and passive aggressiveness... Two feelings I'd rather keep to an absolute minimum in my lifetime. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

This is not to say that you shouldn't go out of your way for others. One of the best life philosophies I've ever heard is "Give give give give, ask." Serving others and going out of your way for them can only do you good. It's even biblical! But what isn't healthy is feeling obligated to do things that affect your mental and physical well-being purely for the sake of pleasing other people. There's a difference between going out of your way for someone you love and going out of your way for someone to love you. They stem from two completely different places - one happy and full of yay's, and the other of anxiety and insecurity. Ain't nobody got time for the ladder. To say "Yes" you have to learn how to say "No". It's textbook, yet it's a chapter that I continue to go back to and reread over and over again. It's an ongoing lesson.

It's really easy for me to forget why I do what I do. In fact, the past few months have been riddled with mornings of waking up, dreading the day, and putting myself on auto-pilot. I find myself going through the motions instead of really living and being present; growing apathetic instead of soaking in the all the loneliness and discomfort, and pinpointing exactly what it is that keeps me from choosing joy.

Then, of course, there are the beautiful turbulences that remind me I'm still soaring. Amy Poehler's book, for instance. There's something special about reading what other people are passionate about - it's mega motivating. Another one for me is seeing God in the details. In the hour of sun peeking through the clouds after two weeks of rain, in the first cherry blossoms of the season, in the way my heart lights on fire when I do something I love... All moments of wonder and awe at His goodness. I think the rest of my life will be learning how to say "No" to all that flips on auto-pilot and "Yes, And..." to everything that makes my heart go "WOAH DUDE."

"You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing." - Amy Poehler

And to tail-gait off of that:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." - Matt 6:34

Everyone has a calling to something. I truly believe that. That thing that makes you feel like you're the coolest fool on the planet? Grab hold of it, and keep on running. The beauty of owning what you're deeply and fiercely passionate about lies in your increased ability to relinquish worry. Don't do something because it's easier or sexier or socially more acceptable. Don't do things to get people to love you, or simply for the sake of doing them. Do the thing because you love it. Strive to be better, always seek to learn more, ask for help - but don't waste time worrying. Instead, buckle your bootstraps, dive in, and say "Yes, And."

... Please?

Salutations, frands!

Drinking in the sweet sun and 66 degree weather this morning - Autumn is upon us, and my heart could not be more overjoyed! Today marks the end of a LONG week riddled with introductions, plenty of stimulation, parametric equations, and last minute to do's that haven't failed to throw me for a loop. 

Fall is a season of transition; it's a time of reflection and rebirth, vibrancy and crispness. From the scenery around me to the people I encounter, I am constantly reminded of how fleeting my small life is. Change surrounds me. I see it in the leaves on the trees, in the dropping temperature, and in the faces of the many that I pass each day. Most of all, I see it in myself. I'm finding the more I continue to plan out (and stress about) my life and my future, seemingly putting myself in a place of control, the more derailed I get. Things don't go according to plan, and the tiniest bumps in the road become the most perilous obstacles. The Big Guy is doing some serious work in mi life. It's like he's nudging me as a reminder that He's got me covered and I need to seriously chill for a hot sec. My future is murky, but I'm learning to accept it in waves. I want to make this a season of peace and fulfillment. 

Looking forward to see what the next few weeks bring! Until then, I'll be here -- doing calc, sippin' tea, and adding to my reading list. 

Pce out,

J